“Hi Orna and Matthew,

I am so tired of being lonely and alone. The idea of being on my own through another holiday season and NYE… I don’t know what to do.

This time of year is a really hard time for me. My husband filed for divorce just before Christmas 8 years ago and I can’t forgive him for ruining what used to be the happiest time for me. He said he felt like I didn’t give him any space to be himself – I made more money than him and he was always resentful of that.

We didn’t have any children so I can’t make the holidays about them. We got married in our early 20’s and now it feels like time is running out for me. Lately, I find myself avoiding my family as much as possible. I’m tired of the questions about who I’m dating and when I’m going to move on and find someone new. It’s like they can see right through me and know that I’m feeling lonely.

I wish I could enjoy the holidays again and share my life with my soulmate right now! All the men I date don’t want to make a commitment and I feel like I’m being used. I certainly don’t want to introduce any of them to my family. I just don’t want to be alone anymore, and I don’t know what to do.

I would really appreciate your help, I read your blog every week. Thank you for all your great advice!”

Dear Lily,

Feeling tired of being lonely and alone can be exacerbated by the holidays. As you’ve shared, there is a lot of pressure to find someone to spend all the holiday events with, culminating with the ultimate pressure-filled event – New Year’s Eve. It’s enough to drive you into the arms of any guy that’s nearby. Unfortunately, this strategy results in high expectations and crushing disappointment.

We want to offer you a different path this holiday season that could very well make sure you never spend another holiday tired of being lonely and alone. To accomplish this, you need to change the direction of your focus – away from your anger and hurt about your ex-husband, away from finding the right man (right now), and towards becoming the right woman – always.

The path to accomplishing this feat requires that you stop looking for someone to complete you and start becoming the best woman you can be. This requires you to take some loving actions with yourself.

The first step is to release the expectation of finding “him” now. Relax, enjoy the holidays with friends and family, and ignore all those questions about why you are still single. You can draw a boundary and simply state that dating is not your focus at the moment. The winter is the perfect time to reflect and introspect. When you’re tired of feeling lonely and alone turn your attention inward. Now is the perfect time to develop a lifelong practice of self-love.

Here are 5 Steps To Change Your Focus When You Are Tired Of Being Lonely And Alone

1. Release Your Hurt And Heartache

Begin with a practice of forgiveness. Ultimately forgiving others allows you to come back into integrity with yourself. When you’re tired of being lonely and alone you can reset by stepping into forgiveness for yourself, your ex, and any other people who have betrayed, abandoned, and disappointed you.

Forgiving your ex doesn’t mean that his behavior was okay, but it does release you from the hurt and anger so you’re no longer carrying it with you. There is a well-known quote from the Buddha that says: “Holding onto anger and resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” Stop poisoning yourself over his bad behavior.

Discover The Golden Nugget Of Learning™ so that you can release your ex and break the energetic connection you still have with him. When you remove the emotional charge from painful events you open your heart to create opportunities for new experiences, like long-lasting love with your soulmate.

Discover Ho’oponopono. This Hawaiian forgiveness practice is a balm on your aching heart and brings you back into integrity with yourself.

To practice Ho’oponopono, follow these steps:

1. Place your palms on the center of your chest – your heart center.
2. Close your eyes and picture the person you wish to forgive. (You may want to start with your ex, or a younger version of you.)
3. Say these 4 phrases aloud:
   • I’m sorry.
   • Please forgive me.
   • Thank you.
   • I love you.
4. Repeat for 5-10 minutes.
5. Practice daily at a minimum.

Release the weight of your anger and resentment and you’ll discover the innate joy inside of you.

2. Treat Yourself How You Wish To Be Treated

If you’re tired of being lonely and alone it’s common to just wish and hope you’ll magically feel better. The truth is your feelings will change for the better when you take new actions and do things differently. Start doing things you’ve been putting off. Book that trip to a special place (even if you go alone or with a friend). Buy yourself gifts to put under the tree (or to open each night of Hanukkah). Be kind, generous, and loving with yourself.

There is no wiggle room here. If you desire respectful love, then you must be loving yourself respectfully and with compassion. Embrace all the parts of you – the good, the bad, and even the ugly. You must be willing to give yourself the same love and acceptance that you are looking for in a mate.

Start taking yourself out on inner child dates to reconnect with the little girl inside of you. These dates will help heal core wounds and allow you to create a new relationship with yourself where you are connected to your inner child and all the parts of you are in harmony.

Taking this time for yourself weekly means you are making yourself a priority. Committing to this ritual is the way to meet a man who also will make you a priority, plus many other benefits!

3. Be Committed To Your Own Growth

If you’re tired of being lonely and alone be mindful not to isolate yourself from others. Find a spiritual community or group that supports your peace of mind and spiritual growth. Spending time with other people on a similar journey brings the feeling of connection so you won’t feel alone.

You will always be a work in progress and there is no end to your personal growth. It’s on the path to your highest and best self that you connect with your beloved. Plus, you will never depreciate in value. Water seeks its own level in relationship. As you learn to love and accept yourself you will be in the position to meet someone who reflects that back to you and accepts you and loves you as is.

Create a list of actions to stretch you toward the person you wish to be. Pick actions that trigger some emotional fear (but no physical danger) and make a commitment to take at least one action a month that stretches you out of your comfort zone.

4. Practice Slow Love

Take your time through the dating process. Instead of rushing into exclusivity and physical intimacy allow dating to be a discovery all its own. Start by discovering about yourself first. Do you behave differently based on your level of attraction? Are you too accommodating? Do you try to smooth out any bumps between you?

The right man for you will want to impress you and he’ll want to know how to win your heart. Practice non-attachment so you can evaluate the capacity of your date to hear you, treat you with respect, and honor your requests. Lasting love occurs over time so think about it like making chili, soup, or stew. You can’t rush it, you don’t want it to boil over, and you’ll want it to simmer and to taste test it over time.

5. Never Settle!

Say, “No!” to everything you don’t want and keep your eye on the prize! Don’t make excuses for other people’s behavior. You teach people how to treat you, so set a high standard and look for the person who is trying to win your heart and please you.

It’s not so important to get along when the going is good. Instead, pay attention to how they treat you with there’s miscommunication or conflict. There will be conflict with any person you share your life with. How the two of you navigate through conflict will inform you if they are a match for you long-term.

If you’re truly tired of being lonely and alone start the New Year off with a big breakthrough! Join our group coaching program, Love On Purpose Mentoring™ — only a few seats left. An inner transformation creates a positive change in your outer experiences. You’ll benefit from our lifetime of personal growth and transformational tools — we may even create one just for you! Check out the details here.