“Hi Orna and Matthew,

I have been reading your newsletters for years and I think you give the best dating advice for women. One of the things I like the most is that I get input from both a man and a woman! I am super curious what you will think of my question. Why do men love bitches more than nice girls?

I know I’m an attractive woman – getting dates is not hard for me. I do end up being broken-hearted by the men I really like and I know I’ve broken my fair share of men’s hearts too.

We often hear about the “nice” guy who is not given his due by women – but what about the Nice Gal?

When I meet a guy I REALLY like I do my best to make things easy for him and to be accommodating.

Recently I saw my ex out at a restaurant and he was with a woman that I would describe as a bitch. She just had that look about her. I am perplexed that he left me and is now with someone who doesn’t seem to care about his feelings – quite frankly she looked bored and he was falling over himself. I was embarrassed for him.

So what am I missing? Do I need to become a bitch to have love?

A bit mad and sad.”

Hi Christine,

We are thrilled that you emailed us a question after many years and we’ll do our best to set the record straight and show you how you too can have the lasting love you want and deserve.

There was once a NYT best-selling book titled, “Why Men Love Bitches.” In her book, Sherry Argov argued that men are more attracted to a strong woman who stands up for herself.

Personally, we don’t think a woman who knows what she wants and asks for it is a “bitch” – but we’d bet that this book would not have been a best-seller if it was just titled: “Why Men Love Women Who Know What They Want And Ask For It.”

The first step is knowing what you want.

Most people are clear on what they do not want. If the last partner cheated, they want someone faithful. If he was an alcoholic, they go looking for someone sober. If there wasn’t hot chemistry, they jump in 100% with the next person they have an intense attraction with.

What you really want is not the opposite of what you do not want. It’s also not a list of physical qualities and character traits. It’s not about what your friends and family think of him or that he’d be a great dad.

You’ll be clear on what you truly desire when it comes to love after taking a deep dive into what drives you in your intimate relationships. When you’ve become clear on what you value, and you connect with a partner whose values are in alignment with yours.

Unfortunately being crystal clear on what you do not want will never bring you closer to what you really do.

When we ask these very same people about their deepest desire in relationship, the details slip away and they answer in broad sweeping generalities. The vision is no longer in focus.

For those who have had traumatic experiences they seem to attract only the same kind of man again and again. When we point out they are on the lookout for him so that’s who they see, they suddenly realize they are putting their focus on seeing what they don’t want.

Just like with a Pink Elephant – if you try not to see one, you’ll have to picture it first and then do your best to erase the vision in your mind’s eye.

You simply cannot create from lack. Your belief system creates what is visible to you. If you wait thinking you’ll believe your Mr. Right exists when you see him you may wait forever.

If you move through the world thinking he’s right around the corner – viola! Now you’ll likely meet your ideal mate any day now.

Once you’ve created a clear vision of what you want, you’ll have to practice the second step of our made up book title above – “Ask For What You Want.”

If you don’t ask for what you want, you won’t get it.

A man who wants a relationship with you will want to know how to please you. If you are too shy, or secretly wish he would just know, then you are setting yourself up for disappointment.

Your soulmate does not come with mind-reading powers. The only way to get what you want is to actually ask for it. The great thing that happens when you ask for what you want is that you find out what kind of man you are dating.

The right guy will hear your request and make an effort to give you what you want. If he becomes defensive, argues about what you want, or just ignores your request then it is time to move on.

Men don’t like to guess about how to please you! If you tell them you will not waste time with Mr. Wrong and pave the way for your Mr. Right to find you and recognize you.

The beauty of Why Men Love Bitches is that it shows what creates intimacy is AUTHENTICITY.

Being easy-going is not the way to create lasting-love – although it may be a strategy you learned as a little girl to get the approval of a parent. When you are constantly twisting into a pretzel to please a man, you will eventually tire of holding that unnatural state.

We would bet that your ex doesn’t have to guess how to please his new woman. She may appear like a bitch to you, but he gets the benefit of knowing exactly how to please her. Did you let him know what you wanted or did you leave him guessing and then criticize him when he failed to intuit your needs?

Many men who’ve recently gone through divorce or a break-up are exhausted because they were trying so hard to please a woman who was never satisfied with their efforts. Studies show that in today’s world middle aged men are starving for attention and love. They will step up and fall all over themselves to please a woman they are crazy about.

Being accommodating and easy going while dating could set you up for a guy to feel like there is a bait and switch down the line. If you speak up later on, once you’re engaged, or move in together, the guy will feel like the rules have changed. It’s like you’re not the woman he started out with.

We have a client we’re currently coaching who says her biggest downfall in her marriage was not being authentic. She held back and didn’t express her needs and wants. Eventually, she and her ex were like strangers in the same house.

Are you willing to be easy going for the rest of your life with the love of your life? Or are you setting him up to fail because you’re not letting him know what you really want for fear of scaring him away? Or because you don’t think a man will choose you if you’re too demanding?

Ultimately showing up as the real authentic you is the way for a man to decide if he’s in or he’s out.

The way things go south in “Accidental Love-Land” is that is that you end up trying to please the guy who you are attracted to. That automatically puts you in the masculine role.

It’s the man’s role to please you and pursue you – especially through the dating process. Once you’re in a relationship there will be an ebb and flow to the energetic dynamics between you – however, it is essential that you set it up right from the start.

We put this meme up on our Facebook Page a while back that created quite a stir. We had a lot of questions about it and it seemed to strike a nerve for women.

A man who is attracted to you wants to know how to “Win” your heart. He wants to know that he can do things for you and provide for you in a way that no other man can compete. Keeping secret what you desire and just make things easy and he will lose interest. Or if you take care of everything he will either stop taking the lead and relax into his feminine, or disappear.

When you take a deeper look into Why Men Love Bitches you realize that it allows men and women to relax into their natural masculine and feminine roles. The man gets to feel good about himself because he is able to give you what you want and the woman gets to receive what she wants!

How would you feel if all you had to do through the dating process was receive?

Would you feel awkward, looking for a way to reciprocate? Would you feel uncomfortable allowing a guy to pursue you and treat you like royalty?

The dance of the masculine and feminine is a natural dance that men and women have been doing for centuries. The polarity of energies creates the hot chemistry that most people long for.

If you’ve really had it with trying to figure out what men want we encourage you to simply GIVE UP! Instead let us show you how to get what you really want! Book a private session so we can show you what it takes to finally find your beloved.

We are here to be your guides to love!