Are you afraid of losing yourself in a relationship? Feel dread that you’ll abandon your needs and lose your independence because of a desire to be liked or loved? Here’s the good news: When you can identify your negative pattern and change your relationship strategies, you no longer have to be afraid of losing yourself.

Understanding the reasons you’re afraid of losing yourself and adopting new behaviors allows you to stand in your power and not abandon yourself in relationship. You can keep your independence and thrive in love.

Losing yourself in a relationship shows up in several ways and all of them are a form of self-abandonment. If you give up your routine, lose track of friends, or have trouble defining yourself outside the relationship, you have a pattern of losing yourself.

Another common term for this pattern is self-abandonment. In a healthy relationship, one whole and complete person comes together with another whole and complete person, and together they form a new entity — the relationship.

If falling in love means you’ve merged with your partner then you’ve lost your sense of self. This is an unhealthy dynamic because you don’t exist as an individual outside the relationship, and your needs don’t matter in the relationship.

If you’ve been stuck in a pattern of self-abandonment it makes sense you’d be afraid of losing yourself and your autonomy. You’ve likely been convincing yourself to just stay single altogether because the risk of losing yourself again feels too great.

Here’s Why You Keep Losing Yourself In A Relationship

1. You Learned That You Have To Earn Love

You’re afraid of losing yourself because you learned in your family that you had to earn love in some way. Maybe you had a parent who was sick, depressed, or an addict, or you were supposed to take care of younger siblings. Whatever the circumstances, you learned that love and acceptance come from taking care of others while you have to prove you’re worthy of love.

This strategy of going above and beyond to earn love causes you to feel unworthy if you don’t work for love. However, you don’t have to earn love or prove that you’re worthy in a healthy relationship. Losing yourself in a relationship comes from a desire to show how valuable you are as a partner. And ultimately, this strategy will never bring you the lasting love you want.

2. You Believe That You Have To Sacrifice For Love

This limiting belief goes hand in hand with having to earn love. You’re afraid of losing yourself in a relationship because you believe you must sacrifice your own needs when it comes to love. You put your partner’s needs above your own, end up sacrificing yourself, and feel angry and resentful that you’re needs are never fulfilled.

A relationship can never thrive when one partner is always going into sacrifice. You go into sacrifice by stuffing your feelings, not making a fuss, committing to things you don’t have the time and energy for, and letting go of the activities that bring you joy. This type of relationship is out of balance and cannot survive the long term. Eventually, you’ll be sick of sacrificing and end up blaming your partner for not meeting your needs.

3. You Have A Fear Of Conflict

Your fear of conflict causes you to twist yourself into a pretzel to avoid clashing with your partner. You’ll end up swallowing your point of view because you don’t want to upset them. By never speaking up and sharing how you feel, you’ll eventually explode like a volcano. That eruption is so out of character and feels so awful that the cycle repeats again and again (either with a new partner or with the same person if they stick around).

Conflicts are a natural part of being a human living with other humans. Being able to work through your differences in a healthy way creates emotional intimacy and builds trust. Avoiding conflict doesn’t make it go away; it creates an emotional chasm between you that blocks intimacy and connection.

4. You Don’t Feel Worthy Of Love

Whether you have low self-esteem, lack confidence, or feel insecure about yourself, you believe you aren’t worthy of love just as you are. While these feelings are common, expecting your partner to fill the void inside causes you to lose yourself in a relationship. Your partner is neither the cause of these beliefs nor can they fix them for you.

When you don’t feel worthy of love you’ll put up with unhealthy relationship dynamics and give up what’s important to you. You end up giving in, hoping that you’ll receive love or validation from your partner. Constantly compromising yourself leaves you feeling even less worthy when their love can’t fill the void.

5. You’re Afraid Of Being Alone

Your fear of being alone will win out over being afraid of losing yourself. You’ll sacrifice your independence to avoid feeling lonely, even when the relationship isn’t healthy. Feeling lonely is a natural part of being human. Humans are social creatures and need regular contact with others. Your fear of being alone becomes a problem when you try to assuage the fear by rushing into a relationship with someone who isn’t good for you.

It’s normal to go through periods of loneliness and periods of connection in your life. You can feel the loneliest in a relationship with someone who doesn’t see you. Your fear of loneliness can cause you to jump into a relationship before you’ve evaluated the other person’s capacity to be a good partner for you.

Here’s How To Not Be Afraid Of Losing Yourself In A Relationship

1. Find The Source Of Love Within You

The number one cause of being afraid of losing yourself comes from seeking love and validation from someone else. You end up feeling empty and exhausted that you’ve given your partner everything, and yet you feel unseen and unfulfilled.

The love you seek is inside of you. You don’t get love from someone else. You share the love you have for yourself with your partner.

Instead of seeking someone to love and accept you, focus on loving and accepting yourself. Self-acceptance is believing that all the parts of you are worth loving — the good, the bad and the ugly. You are worthy of love just by the fact that you exist.

Take time to discover what brings you joy and happiness and spend time doing those activities. Become clear on what you would like to receive from a life partner, and also on what you can give to them. Make a list of your best qualities and characteristics (ask close family and friends so you can discover how they see you).

Don’t be afraid of losing yourself. Focus on loving yourself unconditionally. Ultimately, it’s the love you have for yourself that is reflected back to you through the eyes of your beloved. Once you realize this, you know that love can never be taken from you.

2. Stop Abandoning Yourself

You abandon yourself when you swallow your feelings or put aside your wants and needs to please your partner. You’ve probably been doing it since you were a little child, hoping that someone will see you as you are and love you anyway.

Practice saying “No” to the things you don’t want to do. Refuse to go into sacrifice and know what you’re willing to fight for. If you don’t know what you need, you’re left feeling like a little cork bouncing around on the ocean of your love life.

Don’t be afraid of losing yourself. Speak up. Express your feelings and don’t worry about how your partner will respond. It’s okay to be upset and to share your upset. When you express your feelings, you’re showing up for yourself and breaking the pattern of self-abandonment.

Once you stop this pattern, you’ll attract someone truly interested in you. Someone who’ll be curious about what you want and need so you can create a life together instead of a one-sided relationship that doesn’t last.

3. Embrace Your Differences

When you lose yourself in a relationship, you end up ignoring your differences. You may think it’s romantic to appear as “two peas in a pod,” but you’re two different people with different thoughts, feelings, likes, dislikes, strengths, and weaknesses.

Embrace your differences. Let them become a source of curiosity between you. You can do things apart from each other and be more available for one another when you come back together. Besides, you’re stronger together when each partner can shine in their brilliance.

Don’t be afraid of losing yourself. Instead embrace your differences and stay curious about each other.

4. Ask For What You Want And Need

You’ll never get what you want and need without asking for it. Soulmates don’t come with mind-reading powers. The right partner for you wants to know how to make you happy. The only way to receive their love is to speak up and share about yourself.

Your needs will never be met if you simply hope a partner somehow picks up on your subtle signals. Expecting your partner to intuit or instinctively know is another way of saying to yourself that you don’t count or matter.

Practice making requests and see how the people who care about you respond. Ask for help when you need it, and you’ll discover that you have people in your life who are there to support you, and you get to practice receiving from those you love.

Don’t be afraid of losing yourself. Speak up and find the person who desires to meet your needs and make you happy.

5. Set Healthy Boundaries

All relationships require boundaries. Love doesn’t mean that you can say or do anything to your partner. It doesn’t mean that your partner can treat you badly and get away with it. Respect comes with a boundary, and learning to love another person respectfully is something that may not have been taught or shown to you in your family of origin.

Without boundaries, you’re open to manipulation, abuse, and co-dependence. With boundaries, you can take responsibility for your triggers, learn to communicate respectfully, and become a master of your emotions.

Respectful love has a boundary. The boundary creates the conditions for love to grow in a more trusting and nurturing way.

Don’t be afraid of losing yourself. Set healthy boundaries and you’ll create respectful love.

6. Give From Your Overflow

The habit of losing yourself in a relationship is worsened when you’re giving from an empty cup, expecting your sacrifice to make you happy, or secretly hoping your partner will reciprocate.

Imagine that your energy is liquid in a cup and every time you give to someone, you’re emptying a little of that liquid to help them. If you don’t make sure your cup is full, eventually your cup will run dry. This leads to feelings of exhaustion, frustration, and loneliness.

Fill your cup first before serving anyone else. Discover the activities or practices that fill you up when you’re down. Meditate, take yourself on an inner child date, read a good book, or do some other self-care activities. Know what refuels you and regularly take time to do so.

To be of service to anyone in your life, you must fill your own cup — not just to full, but to overflowing — then you can be of service from the overflow. Don’t be afraid of losing yourself. Make sure to fill your cup, and you’ll always have plenty of energy to give to those you love.

7. Don’t Rush When It Comes To Love

When you’re afraid of losing yourself in a relationship, you tend to say “Yes” to every request before thinking if you have the time or energy to accept. You end up feeling overburdened and resentful of the person making the requests.

Remember, by saying “No” to their request you aren’t saying that you don’t love or value them. What you’re doing is making sure that you aren’t sacrificing yourself to earn their love. Don’t rush and agree to things that you don’t want. Slow down by telling your partner you’ll think about it and get back to them.

Your loneliness can cause you to rush into a relationship before you know if someone is a good match for you. You let your fear of being alone take over and commit to a relationship before you know who someone is.

Slow down the dating process and wait before committing to exclusivity. Make sure to take time for yourself throughout the stages of dating. Practice your refueling activities, and don’t be so convenient. You’ll discover that you can quickly break the habit of losing yourself in a relationship.

If you’re afraid of losing yourself in a relationship and instead want to create long-lasting love with an ideal match, order our debut book: GETTING IT RIGHT THIS TIME: Break Free from Your Hidden Blocks to Lasting Love. Order the hardcover edition and email us the receipt to be enrolled in our virtual Book Club, three LIVE masterclasses in the New Year for no additional cost (this offer expires January 6, 2025). We’ll discuss the concepts presented in the book and answer all your questions.

It’s time to stop pining, wanting, and longing for someone to share your life with and start living your life alongside the love of your life.