Is intense sexual chemistry a sign you’re meant to be? Or is it a signal that you’re going to be heartbroken again? How can you tell if intense sexual chemistry is love v lust?

There’s a rush of connecting with someone new when you’re hot for each other. The conversation flows easily, you have butterflies in your stomach, and the chemistry is off the charts when you finally kiss. Next thing you know you’re obsessing, constantly thinking about them, and it feels like you’re walking on air.

How do you know if you’ve found your soulmate, or if it’s just another person who’s going to break your heart?

While chemistry is essential to lasting love, it’s not the only important component. You may have been burned by diving in quickly when there’s intense sexual chemistry.

Can you have long-lasting love without chemistry at all? Can stability and friendship be enough? What if they don’t turn you on? Is it possible to spend the rest of your life with someone you’re friends with but doesn’t turn you on?

If intense sexual chemistry has always led you to heartbreak and frustration, then perhaps it’s time to reevaluate your strategies in the dating process.

You aren’t destined to remain stuck in the same lather/rinse/repeat cycle of unrequited love. Instead, you can approach love in a whole new way, satisfy both your heart and your mind, and create lasting love with someone who turns you on and is a good match for the long term.

So, what do you do when you feel intense sexual chemistry, and how do you make the right choice to steer clear of heartbreak and create a love that lasts?

Love v Lust – What’s The Difference?

Lust is a surface-level attraction that’s all about chemistry and sex. Attraction can grow into love only when you add in emotional connection, shared values and beliefs, compassion, and respect. Then you have the real thing. Lust is temporary and fleeting. Love can last a lifetime and grow deeper through the years.

Lust is not triggered by a physical attraction alone. You can lust after someone who isn’t the most attractive, or even the one with the hottest body.

So, what triggers that intense sexual chemistry?

One aspect of attraction is chemical and sensory. It’s driven by the biochemistry of the brain and is an entirely unconscious phenomenon between two people. The way they smell, the color of their eyes, and the sound of their voice, all factor into creating intense sexual chemistry.

The other aspect comes from a subconscious recognition of a familiar pattern, one that you learned in your family of origin.

You learned how to give and receive love from the people who raised you and this programming is written in your subconscious mind. This familiar pattern plays out in your adult intimate relationships. Your own personal GPS for love was created when you were a little child and isn’t a match to what you desire as an adult.

When your subconscious recognizes a similar emotional and energetic pattern from your childhood it sends you a signal that says, “This is familiar! This is familiar!” Unfortunately, your subconscious cannot distinguish between whether familiar is good or bad. It simply highlights the familiar dynamic from your childhood.

For many people the familiar dynamic is unhealthy or even toxic. Love may have come with high stakes for going into sacrifice, keeping your emotions to yourself, or with feelings of being unlovable. The familiar can drive you to only seek out those who are a match to your childhood wounds.

This is why you can repeatedly be drawn to partners who aren’t a good fit for you. Like a moth to a flame, you can’t help but connect with the person you know will break your heart.

Intense Sexual Chemistry Does Not Guarantee Happily Ever After

In fact, the exact opposite is often true. The people who are most likely to trigger intense sexual chemistry (that can include anxious butterflies in your gut, sleepless nights obsessing about them, and feelings of exhilaration when you’re together) are often the ones who are the most emotionally unhealthy for you to get involved with.

The problem with intense sexual chemistry is that it can blur your vision so that you don’t pay attention to the red flags right in front of you. Do they alternate hot/cold, one day super into you and then disappear for a few days? Are they reaching out to you at the last minute for a hook-up? Do they push your boundaries or ignore your feelings when you’re upset?

To determine whether this is love v lust, you’ll have to get some objectivity by slowing down the dating process. You’ll also have to be aware of your own patterns and strategies for giving and receiving love so you don’t sabotage your results. Discovering an ideal match for you takes time.

1. Do You Lose Yourself In The Relationship?

If your friends complain that you disappear every time you feel intense sexual chemistry with a new partner you may have an unhealthy pattern of self-sacrifice in your relationships.

Merging quickly and allowing your needs and wants to take a backseat to your partner’s is a clear signal that you have an unhealthy pattern that needs to be addressed before you can find lasting love.

A healthy relationship is when one whole and complete person comes together with another whole and complete person. Together they create a new entity – the relationship. Instead of relying on the other person to complete you, or fix you, there’s a balance of effort between you to keep the relationship thriving.

Use extreme caution if you continually bend to your partner’s will and give up asking for your needs and wants to be met. Be aware of twisting into a pretzel to try to earn love. Remember, you are worth loving as-is — change not required.

2. Are You Hyper-Focused On Chemistry?

If you reject someone outright after one date because you don’t feel intense sexual chemistry, then you may be putting too much emphasis on the wrong qualities for love to last. It can be exciting and romantic to have a 24-hour first date, but it will likely burn brightly and then burn out.

Chemistry is a necessary ingredient for a healthy relationship. You should never sacrifice it. But don’t put more importance on attraction than all the other qualities necessary for a relationship to thrive and last.

You may think you know after one or two dates if there is any chemistry, but you can have off-the-charts chemistry with someone who isn’t the kind of person you would want as a life partner.

To determine love v lust you need to have the spark of chemistry present, and then discover over time if there’s enough there for love to develop between you. Ideally, you’ll want to cultivate discernment through the dating process. Love and affection become even stronger when you feel emotionally safe and supported by your partner.

3. Are You Addicted To The Feeling Of Falling In Love?

Falling in love is so intoxicating that many scientists equate it with the high that comes from high-quality drugs. And the truth is, you’re on drugs when you’re in the Romance Stage of a relationship. Your brain is literally being flooded with chemicals when you feel infatuated with your new guy.

Feelings of euphoria, and the release of a medley of chemicals in the brain, including dopamine (pleasure), adrenaline (fight or flight), and norepinephrine (alertness), can make falling in love into an addictive rush. Adrenaline, for example, causes your cheeks to feel flushed, your palms to feel sweaty, and your heart to race when you’re with someone you like.

If you crave these feelings and get bored quickly when the chemicals wear off you could be addicted to the feeling of falling in lust. The problem is that you mistake it for love.

Just like a drug addict, you’ll have to wean yourself off those feelings and develop the skills to navigate through the inevitable power struggle that comes when the chemicals wear off. Lasting love is possible when you know how to recreate the romance with someone you’ve known for years.

4. Is Your Subconscious Sending You A Warning?

Fear and excitement feel the same in your body. The adrenaline that causes your heart to race, your breath to become shallow, and your palms to become sweaty is triggered by both emotions. The difference between fear and excitement is your internal dialog while you’re experiencing these body sensations.

Many motivational speakers will encourage you to take your fear and turn it into excitement. If you’re terrified of speaking in front of a group, you can tell yourself that you are actually excited to share your expertise and those body sensations are occurring simply because you care.

However, the reverse is also true. You could confuse a fear response for excitement. Your subconscious is yelling, “This is familiar! This is familiar!” when you meet a handsome stranger. Unfortunately, this part of your brain cannot judge, so it has no idea if the familiar is good for you or bad for you. Its job is to steer you toward what you already know.

To discern between love v lust it’s up to you to recognize the familiar signal and avoid falling into your unhealthy patterns.

5. Are You Filling In The Blanks & Slanting Toward The Positive?

All those chemicals flowing through your brain can easily cloud your vision. The hope that you’ve finally met your soulmate can further confuse your sense of reason. People who get scammed by “Tinder Swindlers” ignore obvious signs. They get caught up and invest emotionally in someone they barely know or never met.

Instead, approach the early stages of dating (both online and IRL) with healthy skepticism and never give a stranger the benefit of the doubt. That has to be earned over time. So, don’t share personal information or make excuses for bad behavior because you really want it to work this time.

Do not wear rose-colored glasses through the dating process and instead allow yourself to be objective and discover who they really are.

Then once you’re in a committed, long-term relationship you’ll want to put on your rose-colored glasses and see your partner in his best light. That’s because they’ll have earned the benefit of the doubt through their consistent actions over time.

Intense Sexual Attraction Isn’t Only Love v Lust – How To Transform Lust Into Love

Feeling intense sexual chemistry doesn’t automatically mean it’s going to end badly. Chemistry and attraction can transform into a healthy, respectful, loving relationship. The key is knowing how to evaluate if something more meaningful is possible. Are you compatible beyond the bedroom?

Using your emotional guidance system you can determine if they’re the right person for you.  How do you feel when you’re together and how do you feel when you part? Do they trigger feelings of insecurity or a critical inner voice?

Do you share similar life goals and values? Have compatible lifestyles?

Notice what happens when you make a request or when there’s a conflict. Do they minimize your upset or get defensive? Or are they able to hear you, share their feelings and be vulnerable? Navigating through your differences to repair and reconnect can create magic.

Yeast is necessary to make bread rise, and you need chemistry to keep the spice alive. You won’t ever be satisfied with just a cracker when you really want chewy on the inside, crunchy on the outside yummy bread.

Don’t put aside sexual chemistry as if it’s something you don’t need or can’t trust because it has caused problems for you in the past. Instead, notice when the chemistry is so intense that it throws you off as this is likely a signal that this isn’t the right person for you.

If you’re feeling like your picker is broken, or you’re not sure if your current partner is part of your unhealthy pattern, don’t despair, book a complimentary Soulmate Strategy Session with us so we can show you a new way to “do” love. We’d be honored to be your guides to the long-lasting love you desire and deserve.