Dating a narcissist is like experiencing whiplash. In the beginning, they’re charming, making you feel incredibly special, and by the end your self-confidence is destroyed and you question your self-worth and sanity. If you find yourself asking, “Why do I attract narcissists?” read on to identify this pattern and break it for good.

When you’re stuck in a toxic relationship pattern you may wonder if you’re destined to repeat it forever. No, you haven’t lost your mind, that’s exactly the goal of the narcissist you’ve been dating. Because you didn’t realize their charm and charisma are only there to hook you in before they become controlling and critical.

In order to break the pattern of dating a narcissist you have to understand why you’re attracting narcissists in the first place. Then you can develop new strategies for finding love that repels narcissistic partners instead of attracting them.

While your pattern of attracting narcissists may leave you feeling hopeless about your prospects for lasting love, the truth is you can break this pattern by developing new dating strategies to weed them out and attract the kind of partner you desire, one who would make an ideal match for the long-term.

If you’re unsure you’re dating a narcissist, here’s a helpful guide:

What Is It Like Dating A Narcissist?

A narcissist covers up their extremely fragile self-esteem with a heightened sense of self-importance along with an unquenchable need for attention. Narcissists are sensitive to any criticism, desire excessive admiration, have a sense of entitlement, and lack empathy for others.

The beginning of a relationship with a narcissist is intoxicating. They’ll put all their focus on you. All their charm and charisma are like sunshine warming your heart and it can be very difficult to resist. They make you feel great when they’re goal is to win you over.

If you reject a narcissist, they may react by coming on stronger. The lack of interest fuels their need to capture your heart and they’ll pull out all the stops. Once a narcissist has you in their sights they’ll do whatever it takes to sweep you off your feet — also known as Love Bombing.

However, as soon as they’ve drawn you in, narcissists become controlling, moody, impatient, belittling, entitled, and dismissive. They don’t want you to shine brighter than them, so they’ll knock you down to make sure you don’t outshine them.

Because they lack empathy, narcissists never see your side of things and discount your experience as well as your feelings. A narcissist has only one way of seeing the world: theirs. They’re incapable of being loving and supportive partners.

Narcissists use manipulative strategies to keep you under their control. You may begin to believe that it’s your fault that they’re behaving badly. You end up questioning whether you did something wrong, and your self-confidence and self-esteem erode.

Because narcissists are such bad partners, you’re probably wondering, “What’s wrong with me and why do I attract narcissists?”

Why Do You Attract Narcissists?

The first step to understanding why you attract narcissists is to turn the question around to better understand what’s really going on. You don’t have some hidden magnet inside of you that pulls a narcissist toward you every time you cross paths with one.

Instead you have a hidden subconscious program that highlights narcissists and makes them shine brighter than other potential partners out in the world. There’s a familiar dynamic that keeps you engaging with the narcissists you meet.

Instead of recognizing their narcissistic qualities, you’re drawn to them because inside your mind there’s an alarm announcing, “This is familiar! This is familiar!” Unfortunately your subconscious cannot distinguish between what is familiar and good for you, versus familiar and bad for you. (This is because your subconscious cannot judge or analyze.)

Instead of asking, “Why do I attract narcissists?” you are better off asking, “What is it about narcissists that feels familiar to me? Why is this toxic dynamic drawing me in?”

To be clear: You’re not attracting narcissists, you’re attracted to them. Think of it as a false positive. When you’re looking for a romantic partner it’s easy to mistake the familiar dynamic of a narcissist for attraction and chemistry. You may even believe that you’re destined to be with them.

What would cause you to be attracted to such an unpleasant partner?

1. You Were Raised By A Narcissistic Parent

This is the most common reason why you’re attracting narcissists. You learn about love initially in your family of origin. The dynamic between you and the people who raised you creates your subconscious program for love and intimate relationships. We call this Your Love Imprint®.

While your relationship with your parents is not a romantic one, it is your first love relationship. As a little baby, you needed to feel loved and safe to survive and your parents are the source of your love and safety.

Since your parents are like gods to you as a child, you won’t see their inability to parent you as their fault. Instead, you take full responsibility for their flaws. You believe that you’re the problem and there must be something wrong with you. You’ll take on any belief or strategy to feel loved and safe in your family of origin.

Children with narcissistic parents grow up to be perfectly matched for romantic partners who are narcissists. The relationship dynamic is familiar to you (and weirdly comfortable) that you have trouble extricating yourself from the toxic situation. (Many people can’t even recognize that the relationship is in fact a toxic one.)

This same pattern applies to people who have been abused, bullied, or have trauma in their childhood. The familiar dynamic plays out in romantic relationships.

Why do you attract narcissists? The most common reason is because you were raised by a narcissist and you developed perfect strategies for accommodating their moods and selfish behavior. Dating a narcissist feels “normal” because you’re used to constantly trying to win love from a narcissist who is incapable of loving you.

2. You Have An Overdeveloped Sense Of Empathy

It’s important to understand and relate to another person’s feelings to develop healthy intimate relationships. Putting yourself in someone else’s shoes to feel what they’re feeling gives you the ability to release judgment and understand your partner’s point of view.

However, being able to tune into your partner’s needs and desires plays right into a narcissist’s need to be the center of attention. While you may be great at valuing your partner’s point of view, your narcissist boyfriend or girlfriend won’t ever be able to reciprocate. In fact, they’ll use your empathy against you.

They’ll constantly ask you to see their side of things while discounting your own experience and your emotional life. They’ll play the victim when called out, and may even attack you for criticizing them.

Empaths also tend to give others the benefit of the doubt and assume their intentions are altruistic. This can cause you to easily forgive bad behavior and assume your partner isn’t against you or trying to manipulate you. This plays right into a narcissist’s ability to take advantage of your good nature.

Why do you attract narcissists? Because your empathic abilities leave you vulnerable to a narcissist’s manipulation.

3. You Have A Strategy Of Sacrificing Your Needs To Earn Love

You can’t sacrifice your needs and have healthy relationships. This co-dependent strategy leaves you feeling empty and wondering if your partner will ever reciprocate. Narcissists don’t reciprocate. They just continue to receive until you have nothing left to give. They will wring you dry again and again and again.

Giving to get is not a good strategy for lasting love. Notice if you find yourself feeling angry and resentful that your partner doesn’t consider your needs. A narcissist sees you as the solution to their needs and is unable to understand that you require something from them. In their mind, being with them should be enough for you.

Why do you attract narcissists? Because your strategy of over-giving and sacrificing your needs feeds the narcissist so they feel satisfied without requiring them to reciprocate.

4. You Don’t Believe You Are Worthy Of Love

Low self-esteem can leave you vulnerable to a narcissist. At the beginning of the relationship when they’re love-bombing you, you’ll feel overwhelmed by how much attention they’re directing your way. The narcissist uses their false sense of confidence to take advantage of your lack of confidence.

They’ll build you up and make you feel so special. They seem to be the answer to your prayers and dreams.

But as the relationship continues, they’ll begin to use your lack of self-esteem against you, subtly chipping away at your confidence. This is a way of controlling you and keeping you under their sway. They know they can turn their attention back to you anytime they need to, and you’ll respond accordingly.

Why do you attract narcissists? Because your low self-esteem and lack of confidence leave you vulnerable to their manipulations.

The good news is you’re not doomed to be stuck in this type of toxic relationship. You can change your strategies, develop a stronger sense of self, and learn to set and keep boundaries. Not only can you break your pattern of dating a narcissist, but your new strategies will repel them for good.

How To Change Your Pattern Of Being Attracted To Narcissists

1. Set And Keep Clear Boundaries

There’s nothing wrong with being empathetic and considerate of others. These are admirable qualities. It’s sensible to be a generous and compassionate person, however it doesn’t require you to sacrifice your needs and ignore your wants.

If you allow bad behavior to continue because you’re unwilling to set and enforce your boundaries, you’ll leave yourself open to being manipulated by a narcissist.

Do you know what behaviors are deal breakers for you? Are you willing to enforce consequences if your partner doesn’t honor an agreement? Setting and keeping boundaries is the most powerful action you can take to break this pattern.

Dating a narcissist means they’ll ignore and repeatedly push at your boundaries. Don’t give in and they’ll eventually move on. Narcissists don’t have boundaries and don’t like people who enforce their own.

2. Don’t Be Fooled By Instant Intimacy

The false flag of “Love At First Sight” is instant intimacy with a narcissist. The rush of an immediate spark with a stranger can be a warning signal that there is danger ahead. Lasting love doesn’t happen after a few dates, it develops over time.

Seduction by a narcissist is exhilarating because they’re overwhelmingly charming and put all their attention on their target. Dating a narcissist is a charm attack that overwhelms your judgment and knocks you off balance.

Never give a stranger the benefit of the doubt just because you feel a strong attraction to them. Do not ignore any red flags. The dating process should take some time. Wait it out until they prove they can meet your needs and observe them closely when there’s a conflict or disagreement. See if they can see your point of view and honor your requests.

Being patient and not rushing in quickly to exclusivity or physical intimacy will become like a security system that keeps the narcissists away from you. They’ll love patience and look for an easier target.

3. Pay Attention To Your Inner Dialog

Do you find yourself reviewing your conversations with your partner after the fact looking for what you could’ve done better or differently? Do you feel insecure, anxious, and criticize yourself?

How you feel when you’re with your partner informs you if they’re a good match for you. One warning sign is that you’re constantly questioning if you’ve done something wrong.  Another is feeling euphoric and obsessively thinking about them.

The start of a healthy love relationship will leave you feeling curious, happy, and contented. You feel grounded and joyful at the same.

When you have a pattern of dating narcissists, notice if you’re obsessing about your date or questioning whether your feelings are valid. It’s time to get out and move on!

4. Make Requests

A narcissist isn’t interested in meeting your needs. They may give you lip service, but they won’t follow through. Pay attention to how they respond when you make a request or ask them to do something for you.

A narcissist will get defensive, argue with you, belittle your requests, or try to downplay or diminish your feelings. Narcissists see your needs in competition with their own.

If you’re dating a narcissist, by making requests you’ll discover if they can meet your needs. If they can’t, or don’t even try, it’s time to cut them loose.

5. Build Your Self-Confidence

You weren’t born feeling self-confident or feeling insecure. You learned to feel one way or the other depending on your experiences. Self-confidence doesn’t develop out of thin air; it comes from taking actions that make you feel good about yourself.

You can make efforts to grow your self-confidence by doing things you’ve never done before. Stretching out of your comfort zone and learning something new helps you build your belief in yourself.

Small consistent changes can have a dramatic effect in a relatively short period of time.

You’re not going to develop self-confidence overnight and you don’t have to change everything about yourself all at once. Take one small step at a time.

Start by making agreements with yourself that you promise to keep. If you forget or make a mistake, start again. Every day is a new opportunity to stick to the commitments you have made to yourself.

The more self-confident you become, the less attractive you are to a narcissist. They won’t even notice you when they’re looking for their next target.

6. Focus On What’s Really Important

Attraction is important for lasting love, but its only one ingredient. Without shared values, compatible lifestyles, and good communication love won’t last. You need common ground to stick together through difficult times. Dating a narcissist may feel exhilarating, but you don’t share the same values and you can’t build a life together.

Get clarity on what’s important to you in your romantic relationships. Discover the dynamic that you would like to have between you. Don’t rush to a commitment so you can discover if your date values the same things you do so you can create a life together that is filled with love and respect.

The answer to why you attract narcissists helps you become aware of your bad love strategies. However, only by healing your relationship wounds and developing better strategies for love can you find the lasting love you desire. Become the kind of person who the narcissist would pass by and never think to engage with because you’re no longer an easy target for manipulation.

Are you ready to break the pattern of being attracted to narcissists? If yes, join us for a complimentary Soulmate Strategy Session and we can provide the map for changing your love and dating strategies. You don’t have to worry about why you attract narcissists any longer. Get the support you need to put yourself in the driver’s seat of your love life so you can get the long-lasting love you want.